Collectively, Say No

I just paid a $25 co-pay for a follow-up appointment at my doctor's office.

I paid her $25 to tell her I was fine.

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I am so sick of this shit. I could understand paying $25 for the initial appointment. I had an issue (a twitching finger, quite odd), and she needed to assess the situation. That's fair. Then she told me we would make a follow-up appointment (read: she did not give me a choice) to see if the muscle relaxers worked. If not, we'd move on to other things.

So the muscle relaxers worked. No more twitchy finger. And I went to the appointment anyway, feeling like I had to. I didn't think there would be another co-pay. I mean, we were following up on something we'd started. It wasn't another random visit for something completely unrelated.

She strong-armed me into a follow-up appointment to put more money in her wallet. Had she given me an option: "Hey, if these don't work, be sure to make a another appointment so we can look into other things..." I could've saved my $25. But she made it sound like a requirement, and in doing so, weaseled $25 outta me.

Suffice it to say, I was pissed once I figured out the game.

Had I thought it through, I could've just called her. Rang her up and said "hey, thanks for the muscle relaxers, worked like a charm, no more twitchy finger, good idea!" I could've kept that $25 in my wallet where it belongs.

Young and dumb. Now I know better. Gotta learn the hard way, I guess.

Mom says "that's just how it is."

NO. That's not how it is. That's how we allow it to be. It is bullshit, and we allow this bullshit to rule our lives, and we are the ones who enable it to continue.

THERE IS NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION.
If we all refused to pay, what would they do?

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Sadly, I just put the check in the mail for the $25.
Shit like this makes me feel powerless, insignifigant.
Anyone else?

Dissociative

Get me out. Getmeoutgetmeoutgetmeoutgetmeout

GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

I don't want to be here anymore, I want to go go go gogogogo GO

GOD DAMNIT. go.
get me gone.

I want away from this place. I want away from these thoughts and feelings and associations that are swirling around me like a god damn whirlpool. I will not be dragged under.

But I'm not handling them the same, they've become unwieldy as of late, and that perturbs me.
I've done so well relieving them over the past 6 months that I will sincerely do ANYTHING to keep myself from slipping back.
I don't know WHY I'm feeling this so intensely all of sudden, but I really really REALLYREALLYREALLY don't want to feel it at all. Please?

No. I refuse to do this. You can't make me.



I'm tired of bearing the bullshit
I did it for so long
I would really enjoy NOT
I want OUT.

Now.
Please.

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The urge to disassociate is intense. And uncharacteristic of my general attitude.

Confucius Say...

I wish everyone would stop expecting so much from me.

It's getting to the point where everyone's ending up disappointed.

I don't know how I did this or what unspoken promises I made, but I'm tired of feeling bad for not being able to make everyone happy.

I can't make everyone happy. Not all at once. It just isn't possible. I'm sorry. I'm only human.


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You don't want disappointment? Expect nothing. Leave me the hell alone.